The most powerful weapon on earth is the human soul on fire. -- Ferdinand Foch

Wahh, my novel process is going so slow. ;u; I've only just began chapter 1 and it's already at ~2000 words in length. This is going to be a thick novel and I have a long journey ahead of me. XP

I have a confession to make.

Well, to begin, has anyone ever felt terrible when they look at their merchandises and doujins and see stacks of them on the bookshelves/displays? I mean, I keep track of my order and precisely how much I spend, and, really, I've been spending A LOT over this 8 months since I was introduced to the selling/trading community on LJ. And by that, I mean $500+. I'm too scared to pinpoint exactly how much I've been spending.

I feel terrible. This, I believe, must stop soon and if I keep doing this I'll fall into huge debt/make my life miserable. And that's not very pretty. I've been emptying my savings and... that's not good. So yeah. I'm being too wasteful, in short, and I should've known better than to be sucked up into buying all these items, only to sell them out at a much lower price and don't care later.

There.

after I receive a couple of more items I'm planning on reselling (bought a box of straps I no longer want) , I will no longer be purchasing doujins at all and will quit being a hetalia_sell member and any other selling communities, and will turn my attention to scanlations ONLY. I will also no longer be so active on LJ, Hetalia, and any other fandoms.

Oh, how I lose my mind in the things I love... it's scary and intimidating, now that I look back and see the destruction I caused over my desire. 

Don't you absolutely hate it when someone says you haven't done your best and scorns your work when you have, in fact, done your best and knows that they have not an ounce of an idea of what they're actually talking about?

Yeah. That's how I feel right now. So I drew a picture that's on deviantart (here) and, as you might've noticed, it's using digital art and has color added on. Well, I'm purely traditional right now and, really, don't use any colors and only shade my pictures. So, of course, the result is obviously going to be different and not as good as the original. (erasing, smudging, etc, plus colors sometimes expresses things and I simply can't put that into my picture)

So it came out like this and this- not as good and less detailed, since I can't spend too much time and details in the background. But. I think it still looks pretty good.

Not so much with my dad. He thinks I didn't put effort and keeps asking me where does the light come from and shook his head and frowned and said no and I was like   oh hell no you didn't you have no idea what you're talking about acting as if you know everything I did and spent into my baby and just rejecting it as if YOU'RE an experienced art teacher He even told me he failed art class in high school. And he DARES to say it's not good, and, ON TOP OF THAT, I didn't put any effort into it.

I understand and accept the criticism part. Yes, it's perfectly acceptable that he doesn't think it's top-notch- I do too. But he considers it lacking effort. THAT'S BECAUSE I AM DRAWING SOMETHING THAT REQUIRES A WACOM TABLET AND A GOOD AMOUNT OF SKILL OF DIGITAL COLORING TO EVEN MATCH THE ORIGINAL. UHM. I'M DRAWING TRADITIONALLY TOO, IF YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED, AND I'M SKETCHING.

Sorry.

Some things you need to know about him- he's idealistic, expects too much and thinks things are easy and possible if you put your heart in it. Well, bro, art doesn't work that way. I wish someone can slap some sense into my father regarding art.

PS: about the GA I participated- the GA host sent out my book yesterday. :D I'm thinking about getting books from Mandarake next and already contacted a shopping service on it. :D And hopefully I can get the books I want from akino_furusato next, but man her prices are not very cheap... and she's shipping from Japan so. xD It's also a pain to use Paypal in my condition right now, haha. //shot Dammit, I also want dejikos Code Geass books too, especially the one by muzzle, but God shipping >.<

edit #2: And, of course, I already participated in another GA the host put up with so I'm ordering the Mandarake store and the GA at the same time- that I can handle, bu akino_furusato's sales would have to wait. Don't even tell me about the other potential buy. xD

So... uhm. I kinda have a weird doujinshi-shopping-spree again, only that this time it is Code Geass and, erm. The doujins I spotted are all anthologies and, even without shipping included, quite expensive. D: So in the end I kinda crossed out half of it, and left three on my list- two anthos w/266 pages (205 comic, 61 novel) and the other 114 pages (pure comic). The other is 24 pages, pure comic.  But still, they're freaking expensive- $86 without shipping included! God. X_X Also, I'm planning on using IPMO, but frankly I've never used it before, so I'm not sure how it works. But uh, heard that they can replace the money order and stuff, so I guess that's insurance? 

Oh, and the seller lives in Japan, and I've researched a bit and checked that Japan's IPMO receiving system is quite strict and requires certain stuff, like actually writing USD after the amount... or was it before? I don't know, but I've heard that the receiver cannot accept it if it's not correctly written. >.< I also don't know how long it takes for it to reach Japan, and whether they will allow me to send it by whichever method I prefer. o_o It's so complicated, and I'm not so trusting on IPMO, but god those doujinshis... DX ]

And the postage rate is increasing, as usual. And these are doujins, two moderately heavy anthologies. From Japan. 

GOD, THE SHIPPING COST NIGHTMARES IF I DECIDE TO GO THROUGH WITH IT. DX 

(and, well, there's the option of me using PP once more, but hell that's going to complicate some things...)

edit: changed my list- now I cancelled one of the anthos, leaving only the less expensive one, the second doujinshi, and a new one I'm going to purchase via Paypal. Since I'm running low on money a bit I'm wondering if I should sell my ArteStella deck. That's going to rake up something, for sure, but I have no idea how to ship it. >.< I don't know where to buy the suitable box, God...

I really don't want to collect anything at all afterall. :p Well, you know that feeling when you see something you think you want? After you get it, if it's not something useful, the feeling just kinda goes away... at least for me. I mean, I think I don't really care about these things anymore, like owning these items and stuff. Stuff that really does not mean anything to me but rather I wanted to get them because it pleased the conformist in me. But afterwards, the me that wants to be frugal and save money to donate to charity slaps me upside the head and tells me to not collect these items and just stick to buying doujins- at least you can read them over and over again.

So I'm thinking of selling my Hetalia items after the box of rubber straps arrive and along with other stuff. I just don't think owning these are worth it... I'm not really materialistic, and I tell myself not to be one, for the real thing that matters is not in what you own, but rather your heart. So I think I'll just stick to watching anime and occasionally buying doujinshi to read. Buying merchandises after all is not so much a pleasing thing anymore. :p I think I outgrew my obsession to buy... I guess, in other words, worthless things. But I think I'll keep the ArteStella deck... xD

But I've had a bad experience with the PO (losing the first package I send, WITH DELIVERY CONFIRMATION >:(), so I'm a little hesitant on selling.

Ugh; I want to get a CG doujinshi that was just released today (soprettysquee), and I'm planning to get it through a group order... but now that I've canceled my Paypal, I can no longer use that option anymore... so I went by CC (concealed cash), but the group order ends on the 5th of January! And the host wrote that she wants it coming several days before the deadline, so... ;u; But we live relatively close together (same state) so hopefully that can save me a day or two if she responds immediately. ;u; PLEASE. GAH. I WANT TO SEND IT OUT TOMORROW... BUT I NEED YOU TO REPLY FIRST. //claws hair out

Okie done with this little rant. I'll update this tomorrow to see if she can reply. Since it's Christmas and all, you know... people get kind of crazy during this time. :3 

I'm just livejournaling like crazy these days. xD